Hello and ni hao.

My name is Kevin, which makes me Kelvin to the Cantonese, Kebin to the Japanese, and Kela’vanjora to the Elven. That my simple name can be pronounced so many ways is one reason I value cultural diversity. Likewise, I enjoy being able to have bacon for breakfast, dim sum for lunch, sushi for dinner, and tacos for after all the drinking. And when my friends and I discuss celebrity mice, as we often do, and they proclaim their devotion to Mickey Mouse, I would show off my worldliness by mentioning my preference for Speedy Gonzales.

With this kind of appreciation for culture, it almost hurts me to say that the Chinese will soon take over the world and force us all to conform to their way of living. I suspect this would hurt more if I wasn’t Chinese myself. This, then, puts me in an awkward position. Yes, it is nice to be able to watch anime, and then simply by switching the channel, catch the latest in lucha libre, but it’s also nice to be part of the Superior Race. Only after a period of soul-searching that lasted almost as long as a commercial break did I decide in favor of the Chinese. After all, the chance to oppress others doesn’t come too often. And I’m sure whatever replaces lucha libre would be pretty fun to watch too.

Some of you may be shaking your head, convinced that the Chinese takeover is yet another myth concocted by the media alongside global warming, evolution, and gravity. The signs, however, are clear, and none more so than in the entertainment industry. Chinese actors are constantly cast in the biggest Hollywood blockbusters, such as Victor Chan who plays Chinese Delivery Man in The Departed, and Chike Chan who plays Chinese Police Officer in Batman Begins. That you don’t even notice them is testament to how well they disappear into their roles. Even Jackie Chan, who once expressed disappointment over his inability in the United States to break out of comedy and take on more dramatic challenges, seems to be slowly achieving that goal with each successive movie garnering fewer laughs.

In the financial sector, things are the same. In 2006, children reported for the first time that they were receiving renminbi under their pillows, indicating that not even the tooth fairy could escape outsourcing. And studies comparing 1997 and 2007 show that while you may still give your two cents on any matter, fewer people actually give a damn.

In politics, progress is slower but here nonetheless. Rumors circulating in high circles say a Chinese man was heard uttering the word president, and that he pronounced it correctly. No word yet on whether it was part of a sentence, but chances are it was at least part of a phrase.

If even that doesn’t convince you, consider this: in early 2007, explorers in the North Pole were shocked as they disembarked their vessel and noticed a group of penguins conversing in Mandarin. This is made even more incredible by the fact that penguins don’t even live in the North Pole. A clip of the taped conversation is transcribed here verbatim:

Ni er bu er? Wo you hen duo yu zai wo jia. Dan shi bu yao gen Pi Pi shuo. Ta hui tou zhi.

For those of you who cannot read that—yet—here is the English translation:

Are you hungry? I have a lot of fish at home. But don’t tell Pipi. He will steal them.

If you find this somewhat unbelievable, you are not the only one in denial. I have approached, for example, the British Broadcasting Corporation in hopes of getting them to investigate this phenomenon for one of their nature documentaries, but they completely dismissed it, calling it “bloody fake”, before offering me a cup of tea. They didn’t even give me a chance to show them my sketch of how I think Pipi might look.

I admit I sound a little self-serving, maybe even hopeful that the Chinese will take over, but I assure you that I am at least not selfish, which is why I started this website. Just because you know you will one day be waking up to the Chinese anthem doesn’t mean you have to be caught not knowing the lyrics. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. And I say this website is the club member’s guidelines.

From this website, you will learn about everything from acupuncture to tai chi, from feng shui to fortune telling, from Chinese New Year to the Mid-Autumn Festival. You will learn methods in using chopsticks, the strategic intricacies in a game of mahjong, and if you really pay attention, how to tell the difference between Jerry Springer and Taiwanese politics.

The journey will not be quick. The Chinese culture is over 5,000 years old, and I am only one man. But if you worry I will not be able to cover everything in time, do not fear, because your education is my number one priority, and I make that statement in a way only someone who is unburdened by employment can make. My relevant experience in the Chinese identity also spans more than 25 years, making me more than qualified for the task at hand. So stand up and rejoice, for today is the first day of the rest of your life as a Chinese person.

Welcome, or huan ying, to Chinkopedia.