A Chinese person who claims to suck at math is like Peter Parker deciding he can be Spider-Man no more. He merely delays the realization of his one true destiny.

The special relationship between the Chinese and mathematics began when, thousands of years ago, the Chinese proposed, and math said yes. The abacus was then invented as a sign of their love, a bridge on which each could feel the other’s intimate touch. One bead led to another, and soon both interlocked in a fiery dance of flesh and fraction. Marriage was not possible, but the Chinese and math would remain BFFs, often texting each other under the covers even when told to sleep.

Today, Chinese parents are notorious for pushing their children to exceed in every subject in school, especially math. Success is ensured by a combination of extensive afterschool lessons and various whipping equipment. Common understanding dictates that your GPA corresponds directly to the number of fingers you get to keep on your good hand upon graduation. You may notice that even if you get straight A’s, that is only a four, but the parents are not that cruel; the thumb is always a freebie.

The importance placed on math is the result of parents wanting their children to pursue careers in law, medicine, or engineering. Nothing makes a parent prouder than knowing that their children are out there, serving justice, saving lives, or building great structures, because that not only makes a difference in the world, but also allows them to tell their friends about it. Indeed, at a traditional family reunion, the parents of those who study these subjects will sit up straight, while the parents of those who study art will slump beside them, their heads in their hands, wondering where they had gone wrong. Perhaps, they think, not enough whipping.

In the end, however, it is those who study art who have the necessary skills to go online, create a website, and then bitch about it. So perhaps not all is lost.